


the road to redemption (it’s a long and hard road)

by Cesar



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst, Canon Related, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Panic Attacks, Prompt Fill, Sad, Ward-centric, Warnings May Change, avengers kink meme, redemption fic, tags will be added as the story goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:13:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2111208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cesar/pseuds/Cesar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye calls him a machine. Tripp calls him broken. They are both right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the road to redemption (it’s a long and hard road)

**Author's Note:**

> FIRST OF ALL: this was written for berrysama25 on LiveJournal, for [this prompt](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/19458.html?thread=45809410#t45809410).
> 
> Right. This is kind of the first fanfiction I write in English, which isn’t my native language? (And it's kind of weird to write in a language I've never had to but exciting nonetheless) So, please, forgive me for the mistakes. I would love, though, if you pointed them to me, so I would try to fix it. Criticism is always welcome :)  
> About the story: this is not a happy story. Not exactly. It’s about betrayal, anger and trying to fix things you messed up when you have no hope it will help anything. It’s about bad choices and bad times, and bad things happening. But it’s also a story about redemption, friendship, about forgiveness. Things get worse before they get better but they will eventually stop looking so bad.  
> Or at least I intend to do it this way (my writing skills aren’t that cool).  
> But, yeah. There’s only a few tag warnings for now but they will be added as the story goes. Then, I would like to tell you: please, be careful. Look at the rating. I don’t want to trigger anyone with anything here and I don’t want to offend anyone. Another thing: I’m not used to writing canon characters so please, forgive if any of them is too OOC. This is not beta-ed, what means that all mistakes are completely mine. Chapter title comes from a Mumford & Sons song called Little Lion Man.  
> I have a few more things to say but I’ll let it to the end notes.  
> I hope you like it c:
> 
> (Forgot to say: for the sake of my mental stability as I write, nothing bad happened to FitzSimmons, right? Right. Fitz is okay, Jemma is okay, everyone is okay.)  
> (I'm not crying)  
> (I'm not, stop)  
> (Also, summary comes from a phrase in the prompt; you'll find it in the middle of this chapter too)

_weep for yourself, my man,_

_you’ll never be what is in your heart_

_weep, little lion man,_

_you’re not as brave as you were at the start_

_rate yourself and rake yourself_

_take all the courage you have left_

_and waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head_

_[...]_

_but it was not your fault but mine_

_[...]_

_I really fucked it up this time_

_didn’t I, my dear?_

_[...]_

_tremble for yourself, my man,_

_you know that you have seen this all before_

_tremble, little lion man,_

_you’ll never settle any of your scores_

_your grace is wasted in your face_

_your boldness stands alone among the wreck_

_(Mumford & Sons)_

 

_Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don’t and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it’d be easy, they just promised it would be worth it._

_(Harvey MacKay)_

 

{♣}

 

When they leave him, Ward closes his eyes and doesn’t open them for a very, very long time. He tries not to think about everything that it’s happening – it’s soon to be over, anyway. Now that he failed, he will be dead as soon as it pleases them.

 

{♣}

 

Ward is put in a cell with no windows and no light. And as he waits for the inevitable, he thinks about things – the ones that he knows, the ones that he used to and the ones that he doesn’t. The world is a big mess of things he doesn’t know, a big mess of things he used to. Black and white. Do’s and don’ts. It followed rules he knew (he thought he knew) by heart but now everything’s confused. There’s no black or white, there’s just grey and confusion. Ward doesn’t like it. He had Garrett before. Garrett taught him everything, told him everything he needed to know. He was like an anchor and he made the objectives clean in Ward’s head.

But this doesn’t make any sense. Grant Ward, Garrett’s Grant Ward doesn’t fail. Except that he did.. But then.. Where’s the anger? The hot, burning anger that would’ve made him fight and smile like he didn’t care? There’s nothing in him. Inside his chest, where it used to be, it’s just… Empty. Dark. Grant Ward had an objective as long as he had Garrett – but he doesn’t have Garrett anymore and it means that he lost everything he ever clinged himself to.

H.Y.D.R.A. is just a meaningless word, just as S.H.I.E.L.D.

He never worked for H.Y.D.R.A. itself. It was – always – everything about Garrett. And the team? The Grant Ward that acted as a lover, as a pupil, as a friend, as a big brother?  _He never existed_. The truth is, he just acted like they needed him to act. Skye needed a friend. FitzSimmons’ needed someone to take care of them. Coulson needed someone to follow his orders. May needed to feel like she was in control again. And no one ever realized that Grant was acting like this because they were _too comfortable to risk it_. Deep in their hearts they  _wanted_  him to be that way and that was all that mattered. It wasn’t his fault if they trusted him. He always knew that he didn’t deserve it, that he was a traitor, that it was  _unfair_  with them – that if they discovered it too soon he was going to rot in a dark, lonely, cold cell apart from whatever they felt about him. But life isn’t about fairness. It isn’t about deserving. He was told that he had to step in and make them love him – it was what he did. Garrett told him to never question orders so Ward never asked for a reason behind the words.

But then… Ward liked to be with the team. He liked that they cared, that they saw him as someone to look up for, even if he knew that they loved a lie. Ward cared about them and it wasn’t in the plans, it wasn’t supposed to happen. Everytime he tried to protect them –  _it wasn’t a lie_. It should’ve been but it wasn’t and Ward can’t help but he doesn’t regret it. He truly cared about them. Hell, he cares about them! If he could go back in time maybe he wouldn’t have done things differently but – he as sure as hell would try to make them better.

Not that it matters. Regrets won’t change anything now.

 

{♣}

 

He’s left alone for several days – or it was for hours? – before they take him to a place that maybe he was supposed to be tortured – it isn’t necessary. They make him questions and, for God’s sake, his throat  _hurts_  but he tells them what he knows. But there’s not much to tell. Ward just did what they told him to do. Garrett taught him not to question and he didn’t. He doesn’t expect it will free him from whatever it’s going to be his punishment but he will make everything he can to help them now – they’re everything that remains.

After that they put him in the cell again and he doesn’t dare asking anything.

 

{♣}

 

Ward starts losing track of time. Day or night, it doesn’t make difference – there’s no window in the cell. He’s closed in a world of darkness and cold and sporadic portions of food that they put inside the place when he’s not looking. Ward counted, first, but quickly realized that they weren’t. Sometimes they would give him food two or three hours after the first plate. Sometimes they just wouldn’t.

 _Not creating patterns you can follow_ , his mind whispers.  _Not giving you a chance of planning on something_.

Not that he wants to plan something. Even if he were, it’s not like he has anywhere to go. He was good as long as he kept getting orders – now that he’s useless he’s as good as dead.

Ward asks himself what they’re expecting him to do. To turn into a total psycho? To rebel himself against everything and decide he’s not going to eat a thing anymore? Maybe they don’t expect anything at all. Maybe they just want him to disappear and take the problems with him

 

{♣}

 

When Coulson tells him they’re going to give him a second chance, Ward feels like he has just been hit with cold water.

“What?” he asks, and his voice cracks. His mouth is dry and his throat is still sore from that burst of talking that other day – maybe seventy or eighty hours ago?

“I’ve talked to the team.” Coulson tells him, sharp voice, motionless face. “We’ve decided to give you a second chance.”

Ward just stares at him, too astonished to answer, and Coulson goes away before he can recover his voice..

 

{♣}

 

Apparently he needs to say he’s willing to help them. Apparently he needs to say he wants a second chance – he does. When Coulson visits him the next time, Ward is already nodding before the older man can say a thing – he doesn’t trust his own voice to tell something like this, not anymore.

The first thing they do is to take him to Trip. Ward doesn’t ask why it can’t be Jemma – she must not want to look at his face ever again –, he just sits on the examination couch and lets the guy make all that strange things that doctor do – look his eyes, his ear, his tongue, take his blood pressure – even though he doesn’t like being examined. Trip is strictly professional but he doesn’t stare for too much; it’s like looking at Ward makes him sick.

Ward can understand. If he was in the other’s skin, he probably would feel sick too – nobody should be obligated to face someone who betrayed people who they cared for.

“How do you feel?”

Ward shrugs. He’s got worse before.

Or is he supposed to give a full answer? Ward rises his eyes to meet Trip’s, resisting the urge to clench his fist defensively.

“I’m ok.”, he answers. Or tries to answer.

His voice doesn’t come out – pain burns through his neck like acid. But Ward is sure he just – right.

He tries again.

And again.

And again.

And – God. Just – what the hell – what the hell is...

“Ward? Ward, keep calm. I need you to stay calm and breathe.”

The thing is – he can’t. He can’t, oh God, he can’t, he can’t breathe and his neck hurts and he feels like his vocal chords are being ripped.

“Stop panicking. Look at me.”

Ward’s hands search instinctively for his chest, like if only his will is going to bring his heart out and make it stop beating so loud –  _stop, stop, stop, just breathe, it’s easy, he just needs to breathe, he just needs to keep the fucking calm and breathe and everything will be okay, everything will be alright, just breathe, just breathe just_ –

“ **Ward, look at me**.”

Ward does.

“Stay calm.”

 _Like if it’s easy_ , a voice in his mind whispers.

But it should be and Ward knows it. He’s supposed to have some kind of control over himself. He has learned it in the Academy, didn’t he? Concentrate in your heart’s beating. Count them. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Don’t let yourself tremble. Don’t let yourself be scared. There’s nothing wrong, there’s nothing to be afraid of, you’re safe, you’re safe, you are.

His mind goes blank.

It’s ok. Ward knows it’s ok. It’s not like Trip is some creepy doctor – he’s the good guy, it’s not like he’s going to make some kind of crazy – wonderful, he’s rambling.

“Ward?”

“I’m ok.” he assures, and this time his voice comes, still severe tones below what it used to be – but he was able to answer and this is enough.

Trip frowns, clearly not believing him – but then, why would he care?

Ward manages to pass through the inspection without any other problems (maybe he needs a little rest for his voice to be normal again but it’s nothing to be worried about). When he leaves the room, though, Trip is still frowning.

 

{♣}

 

Coulson is waiting for him, eyes cold, face blank. It’s clear that he wants to tell something, and Ward looks at him in slight confusion, trying to figure out what he’s going to hear. Phil still hesitates for a few minutes before finally snapping.

“If you cross the line – _if you hurt any of them_ – if you just so much as do a wrong step – I swear to God, I’m going to hunt you and kill you myself and there won’t be a place in the world where you’ll be able to hide from me. Am I being clear?”

Oh.

Ward swallows. There’s a lot of answers to this. He can say he promises he won’t do anything wrong – what his word is worth of? He can say he never intended things to be this way, he never intended to hurt anyone or – just mess everything.

None of this answers is what Coulson wants to hear. Why would he?

“I… Yes, sir.”

Ward means it.

 

{♣}

 

Ward follows Coulson’s orders without a second thought and does just as is said to him. No questions. He must never go against the authoritarian figure in the black suit, he must never talk it back. It’s ok. Garrett told him he should never, ever, ask the reason behind the orders. Ward is just making what he’s better at – what he’s used to.

He never misses. He never fails. He never stops. And if this is the only thing he can have from the team now is this – cold glares and silence –, then be it. It’s better than nothing. It’s better than being alone. It’s better than being completely lost and without anything to cling to. Ward would be damned if he didn’t try – but he tries as much as he can because he’s not going to screw this up again. He’s not going to risk the few things he still has, he’s not going to risk the few people he care about. Never again.

Ward becomes the perfect soldier and a shadow. When they’re all together to discuss a mission, he prefers to sit in the corner and wait. Completely still. Completely silent. He never says a word when they don’t ask him directly, he never says anything if it’s not what they want him to do. When the team don’t need him Ward just – steps back and tries not to bother anyone. He doesn’t  _avoid_  them, that would be rude, but he doesn’t talk to them, not like he used to. Things are never going to be like they were and already he accepted it – he never needed to like anything for it to be like it was. It’s not different now and he prefers to stay in his bunk or the decks of The Bus than to stare at blank eyes. He just wants to be useful for them, as useful as he can be, and stay out of the way.

Sometimes, though, Ward hears the team whispering, talking about him when they think he’s not paying attention. It’s mostly subtle looks with eyes averted away from him as soon as he looks back but it’s enough for him to know.

Skye calls him a machine. Trip calls him broken. They are both right but Ward can live this way.

 

{♣}

 

That day, when everything became an even bigger mess, started like any other day: normally. None of them had any reason to believe anything would be different – but almost 9am Skye has her eyes fixed on her laptop and her face is serious.

“DC? Can you come over here?”

Leo rises his head from whatever he’s doing, already alert. Jemma is most likely to keep concentrated in what she’s doing until someone affirms otherwise. Trip is nowhere to be seen and Grant… He’s just being Grant. He’s not going to intrude unless someone tell him to.

Coulson has a preoccupied line on his forehead as he walks through the room and bends to watch Skye’s laptop.

“You should start preparing yourselves.” he says, eyes focused on the screen, and Jemma looks at him.

“What is it?”

Coulson’s answer seems bitter in his mouth (they probably are).

“We have a 0-8-4.”

 

{♣}

 

If someone asked him later – they probably wouldn’t –, Ward would tell them it wasn’t his fault.

Why?

Because it’s true. It wasn’t his fault that someone already was there for the thing. It wasn’t his fault that he had to catch the goddamn 0-8-4 with bare hands and run with it just like he did in their first mission – he tries not to think about it too much but from the obvious inquietude that the team acted while they walked it was clear that he wasn’t the only one. It’s just not his fault – but who will believe him, him from all people? Fine, maybe he didn’t want the object to activate in his hand (god, who would’ve wanted that?) but it doesn’t mean he didn’t know something could – and with their luck, was going to – happen.

But– then– it was a goddamn  _figurine_ , for god’s sake! It was supposed to be easy. It was supposed simple simple. It didn’t look even slightly dangerous as should have, as he thought it was. It was no larger than his hand, a freakish god of bearded face and waist wrapped in snakes with ram’s heads. It was  _pathetic_. How could such a tiny thing cause that much trouble? It wasn’t in his hands to judge but it wasn’t fair that things like that happened. It just. Wasn’t. Fair.

Skye called him when she saw it, he knows. He heard her voice – but it was already too late because the 0-8-4 was in his hands without a second thought. If Ward didn’t know she was still mad at him (who wouldn’t?), he could’ve probably said that she sounded scared. Worried, even. Or maybe he was just craving for attention and he had imagined it.

Not that it matters, of course. The part of his brain that always took care of his survival instincts is screaming at him for being so careless. What if the figurine was life threatening? What if it was a weapon? What if it was something like that creepy Berserk scepter? Ward feels sick. What if he had hurt someone? What if… What if he made things worse than the way they already were for his own fault? If Coulson decides he’s not good enough anymore, that he’s not doing it right, what the hell is he supposed to do? Ward can’t screw things up. He couldn’t – shouldn’t – have but he did and it’s so– god, he’s so stupid. How could he? How could he act in such a way? Ward should’ve  _known_. He should’ve been  _better_  than this, so much better…

Looking briefly at the dissolving bright thing in his hands, Ward knows that doesn’t matter what he does from now on, nothing will fix this mess. Nothing will make it better. How can he make things ok after everything? He shouldn’t even have tried. He’s and idiot and he screwed up so, so _bad_.

“Ward!”

The world dissolves in black.

 

{♣}

 

_I think that the only reason people hold onto memories so tight is because memories are the only things that don’t change when everything and everybody else does._

_(Unknown)_

**Author's Note:**

> The magical object as I imagined can be seen [here](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/ba/God_of_Etang_sur_Arroux_possible_depiction_of_Cernunnos.jpg/220px-God_of_Etang_sur_Arroux_possible_depiction_of_Cernunnos.jpg) (I will explain about it later - yees, it has a meaning!).  
> I kind of expect that Ward didn’t end too much different from the canon? But, really, I throwed random headcanons I have about him in this. The part where he thinks about “Grant Ward from the team” not existing, at least for me, tells a lot about him. It’s like he has never been real before. It’s like “Garrett told him to do it” so he’s going to do it, doesn’t matter what’s the cost. And Garrett told him to infiltrate. For people not suspecting him, what he needs to do? He needs them to trust him, to care about him, to love him. If he was their friend, they would never think he was the enemy. So what he’s going to be? He’s going to be exactly what they need him to be - whatever it is. He will make them trust him doesn’t matter how much he needs to lie and to hide and to never tell what he’s really thinking. This Grant Ward is a lie. And it’s not like he was very truthful when he was with Garrett, right? He wanted Garrett to like him. He wanted Garrett to need him. It means that this Grant Ward is a lie, too. So, the one million dollars question is: who’s really Grant Ward? I don’t know about you but - yeah, this was pretty much everything passing through my mind as I watched the show. If your headcanon it’s not the same, it’s okay. If you feel offended by mine, I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention to offend anyone. So, yeah. Also, there’s a few things I think I need to write here because I didn’t find a place for them in the lines above:  
> 1 (about the way the others characters act). Ward is still a traitor. Doesn’t matter what happened, they needed to treat him like the enemy. Trip, though, is a doctor. It means that if he’s looking for any health problem he’s not going to “oh, well, you betrayed everyone so I’m just going to let you suffer there”. It doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t worry about Ward like he would for a friend but he worries the way a doctor would worry about his patient. If I’m making myself clear because I tend to complicate things *hides under the bed*.  
> 2 (about meaningless words). It was never about the organizations. It’s always about the people.  
> 3 (about action scenes). I’m a hopeless cause. Truly. Don’t expect amazing action scenes because I have no idea of how to write them.  
> 4 (about words I keep repeating and commas). I’m really, really sorry. The thing is - my language uses a lot of commas and I’m not used not to putting them, like, everywhere. But about the words, I admit: it’s also a hopeless cause. I tried to stop a long, long ago, but there’s some phrases that doesn’t matter how much I try, them don’t seem to make sense if I change the said word.  
> 5 (about the first chapter being this long). It’s because I felt that I had the necessity to create a mood that would make you understand how things changes. How everyone acts now and how Ward thinks. Personally, I don’t like writing things that pass the 2k words because I lose my train of thought and start to ramble. So, yeah, I’m going to police myself from now on.  
> 6 (about Ward’s voice). Spoiler from the last episode: May broke his larynx. Do you actually know how hard is to break the larynx? Do you actually know how **dangerous** it is to a person? It’s a serious thing. In some cases it needs a cirurgy. And Ward [lost his voice](http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/865277-overview#a0104). I mean, when I first watched it’s not like I thought that was a slight injury (fractures, in my opinion, are too often serious) but I never thought it was something like this. I was even intending on writing about it but, truly, I don’t think I could make it not even near the reality. It’s a hole, I know, but, right now, I don’t feel bad about it. Let’s make it with a slightly canon divergence and pretend that it wasn’t like it was, right? (Let’s pretend that it was the [first group](http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/865277-overview#a03) where with a few cares he will be okay).  
>  7 (about Ward’s kind-of panic attack). It’s not very accurate. I don’t think I used enough words to create the scenario but I truly hope I wrote enough for you to understand, even slightly, how it is (the answer: absolutely terrifying). Situations of continuous stress can cause a panic attack. The fact that he couldn’t find his voice to talk was just a trigger. (I’m remembering episode 08 and my heart is breaking)  
> 8 (about this gigantic notes). I’ll try not to do it often but I can’t make any promises because I like talking sooo much D:  
> And… I think that’s all? :)


End file.
